Revel in the Freedom

The sunlight is shining through the branches, the sprouting leaves still leaving enough space for the sun to reach my face. I close my eyes and breathe. "You are free", my inner voice tells me, "free at all times to say no". I know. I love this place. With my whole heart. And I am ready. "Yes", I whisper back. I know that I have the courage to leave this all behind. To end a life and, like the phoenix, rise up into a new life. The era of the hermit is ending. The era of the traveller is starting…

An enjoyable crackling sound comes from the fireplace, where bright flames dance their endless dance. The house has never before been so neat and tidy and gosh, so lovely. Today the photoshoot will take place, one of the final steps before we will bring the house on the market.

For nearly three months I've been working on clearing out the house. Sorting out all of my belongings, picking up every object and deciding whether or not it still has value for me. It amazes me how much I can do away with. A wagonload of belongings goes to the local flea market, another 'wagonload' I sell online. And then the possessions that end up in the trash, being too torn / worn / general useless to be given away. How did I come to store so much? Some possessions I discover are not so easy to part from, like my piano. Even though I'm not playing regularly I find that playing the piano is something that is part of who I am.
Many objects bring up memories. Like a movie, I see the life I've lived so far passing by and with that, I get to relive all the experiences I've had. I invite them in, allowing lingering emotions to show up so that I can feel them, learn their message, live them through and transcend them. It's a deep dive into myself that is clearing me up as I am clearing up the house.

In the meantime I dream of where I will travel first. There are so many places I want to visit, that I can hardly choose. Scotland, North of England, Wales, Ireland, can I just go everywhere at the same time? It's fun to check out area's and it's an amazing feeling to know that I am free to go anywhere I want to go. I felt so alive last winter, living in Wales for nearly 4 months. I loved living a totally new life with new experiences everyday. The opportunity to be a new version of me, leaving behind the old, feeling full of life energy and joy. Exploring other parts of this world, feeling at home far from home. I dream of having my own field somewhere in nature, with a cosy cabin, a fruit orchard, a vegetable garden and two horses.

Yet at the same time I'm afraid. I'm about to dive into the unknown, giving up a beautiful place that is my anchor in this world. I've lived in this house for 11 years, experiencing the most intense period of my life. Healing from brain injury twice, loss of jobs, multiple business start-ups, financial break-downs, deep inner work and selfhealing, writing books and learning. A phase of enormous change and growth for which I am deeply grateful because it has brought me where I am today.
The house no longer feels like my home, creativity and inspiration aren't flowing anymore and the only thing I can think of is the freedom I enjoyed so much. I want more of it, much more. I tell myself that I need to grow more, that those fears show me how I limit myself in life and what I need to learn to become free.

I do the inner work. Every day, I dive in and work with those fears, doubts, joys, anxiety, excitement. It's one big party of contradicting emotions inside of me, leaving me confused. I know that if I follow my inner guidance all will work out flawlessly, only so far my plans aren't quite working out and it seems I don't capture the message. I start researching my convictions, thoughts, beliefs and ideas. Are they true? Are there different perspectives to the situation? What are the core reasons that I want to turn myself from a hermit into a fulltime traveller? What exactly is my dream? If that is freedom, then what actually is freedom to me?

The house is showing the answer to the question: the clearance has left me with a wonderful place that feels good once more. An enormous amount of resistance wells up: I want to travel and I don't want to give up that dream. The 'core-I' has finally come to see the bigger picture and surrenders. I observe the Rebel-I that explodes in my belly and stomach, refusing to give in. That part of me wants to scream and cry and yell that we gotta do this and do it now. I give it space to have its say and slowly the emotions transmute, my Rebel-I giving in … we have found freedom. It is the inner feeling of freedom, of feeling free at all times, wherever I am. It is the knowing that I can go wherever I want to go, whenever, while having my safe space as a base. It is this inner freedom, that will bring wonderful (travel)opportunities on my path, with ease and joy. Revel in the freedom…

I wanted to be brave and do it no matter what. Instead I chose to be courageous. Trusting in your intuition and acting upon it, takes a lot more courage than bravery does. My actions would have taken away my safe homebase and I found that I need that security in life. Some can live without, some can not. I was trying to change my core value and you cannot turn yourself into what you are not. However, by creating life experiences that push you beyond your limits, you get to see what you can transcend and what is simply part of who you really are. At that point you are invited to fully embrace that self, to unite with it and create life in accordance with your unique self.

I will still sell the house and when I do, it will be an exchange for a new home-base.